Journey Inside My Mind ™

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

via e-mail from the Official Mom

Related tags: journey+inside+my+mind journeyinsidemymind jimm daniel+johnson+jr jokes humor dogs

Mood: upbeat
Listening to: Keisha getting ready for bed
Reading: Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time
Eating: popcorn
Watching: The Perfect Man

This came via an email from Michelle P., who knows I have a sense of humor.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat, strong arms, and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,”God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge!

Related tags: journey+inside+my+mind journeyinsidemymind jimm daniel+johnson+jr humor jokes hiking men+vs+women

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.

got this via email from Jeff

Related tags: journey+inside+my+mind journeyinsidemymind jimm daniel+johnson+jr jokes humor funny parenting

Apparently Rolling Stone Keith Richards has been airlifted to a New Zealand hospital after a fall from a palm tree at a Fiji resort:

No word on whether he gathered any moss*.

USATODAY.com – Hotel Hotsheet: Archives

* Get it? It’s supposed to be a joke.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. “What type of bra?” asked the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple …

• The Catholic type supports the masses,
• The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
• The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
• The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

via Funny Jokes: Funny Jokes – Types of Bras – Humor and Funny Jokes

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied: “a can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen them, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, “What is it?”

The husband said “She also stole a can of peas.”

via e-mail from the Official Mom

crossposted to Get That Job!

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business:

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the young accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the young accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars.”

“Eighty-five thousand dollars!” the young man exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

via the Funny Jokes – Funny Jokes and Humor page

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave:

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied… “My wife’s first husband.”

found on DailyJoke

A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

Q. What do you call a bass player on the front porch?

A. The pizza delivery guy

This is so funny because in high school I delivered pizza as a part-time job, and one of my coworkers – another delivery driver – also played the bass!

spotted on the Bob and Tom Bass Talk jokes page (careful… some of them are off-color)

Mood: fantastic
Listening to: coworkers on the phone
Reading: Marriage Dynamics class materials
Eating: Snickers Crunch candy bar, two cups of coffee, and a Moo Tube
Watching: Matchstick Men

Now for the joke:

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.”

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”

Heard on the Bob and Tom Show this morning:

Q: How many ADHD children does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Let’s go ride bikes!

I can relate. Now, what was I doing?

Google Search for “light bulb” jokes

There was a man who fished every day and always came back with a good catch. Eventually, the game warden decided this guy must be doing something illegal. So the warden put on old clothes and made friends with the man. “I’ve noticed you always catch fish,” the warden said. “Can I go out with you?” The fisherman shrugged. “Sure,” he replied. “See you here at 5 a.m. tomorrow.”

The next day, they went fishing together:

The fisherman steered his boat into a remote part of the lake, then stopped. He opened his tackle box, took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and threw it into the water. After it went off, dozens of stunned fish floated to the surface.

The warden was astounded. “I caught you red-handed,” he said. “I’m the game warden, and you’re under arrest.” The fisherman said nothing. He reached into his tackle box, took out another stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the warden. The fisherman then asked him, “You going to talk or fish?”

“I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said ‘Stop! Don’t do it!’

‘Why shouldn’t I?’ he said.

‘Well, there’s so much to live for!’

‘Like what?’

‘Well… are you religious?’ He said yes. I said, ‘Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?’

‘Christian.’

‘Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?

‘Protestant.’

‘Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’

‘Baptist’

‘Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?’

‘Baptist Church of God!’

‘Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?’

‘Reformed Baptist Church of God!’

‘Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?’

He said, ‘Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!’

I said, ‘Die, heretic scum’, and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

Proof that denominationalism is not a good thing (Online Eymology Dictionary Listing for ‘Denomination’).

– #53 on 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time

WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE…I’M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner:

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral:

A HUGE heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the Heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The Heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful Heart ‘forever’. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral………I’m a gynecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.

via e-mail from Mom

During the most intensive days of the cold war, the Central Intelligence Agency undertook a recruitment drive to booster its ranks and try to rectify the Soviet intelligence advantages:

During the initial interviews, two candidates appeared particularly promising. Wayne and Amber were a brother and sister team. Although their fervor and patriotism could not be denied and their aptitude for spying was peerless, their one flaw was their inability to get along with each other. Rarely did a moment go by when they weren’t arguing, bickering or insulting each other.

As unorthodox as this behavior may have been, they were admitted to the CIA’s training program and both excelled in all of their training. However, throughout their training they were constantly arguing and screaming at each other.

Their first assignment was to infiltrate a groop of Soviet agents who were using Washington’s nightclubs and restaurants as meeting places to plan their activities.

Wayne and Amber had to become familiar with the coming and going of these restaurant patrons.

One night they had to visit five restaurants in a row. In order to protect their covers, they had to fit in with the restaurant crowd; that meant drinking and dining as legitimate patrons at these elegant eating establishments.

As they went from restaurant to restaurant, they argued, bickered and screamed at each other, all the while eating full meals and drinking their fill.

Because this was their first assignment, they were observed by a couple of CIA veterans. The observers were amazed by their huge appetites but did witness their arguing.

One observer turned to the other and said, “They’re dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Wayne.”

via

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may vist the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 ? These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

via e-mail from Mom

This belated Easter joke was recently spotted on the Jokes and Humor Weblog:

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.

The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”

St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, “So, tell me.”

She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..

St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”

Then the blonde continued, “Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted.

But will my brackets turn out the way I want? That’s what I want to know. (g)

Mood: Pleasant, deliberate

Listening to: Sounds of books, etc., being checked out/in

Reading: Joke book (cannot remember the title)

Eating: Corn flakes, toast w/ strawberry jelly, milk, coffee

Watching: saw Patriot Games last night

I have an opportunity to be considered for a federal grant to get some training that would help me get a better job. I’m at the library doing some research on it. I find that getting out of the home helps me to not be distracted as much.