Journey Inside My Mind ™

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

via e-mail from the Official Mom

Related tags: journey+inside+my+mind journeyinsidemymind jimm daniel+johnson+jr jokes humor dogs

Mood: upbeat
Listening to: Keisha getting ready for bed
Reading: Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time
Eating: popcorn
Watching: The Perfect Man

This came via an email from Michelle P., who knows I have a sense of humor.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat, strong arms, and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,”God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge!

Related tags: journey+inside+my+mind journeyinsidemymind jimm daniel+johnson+jr humor jokes hiking men+vs+women

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.

got this via email from Jeff

Related tags: journey+inside+my+mind journeyinsidemymind jimm daniel+johnson+jr jokes humor funny parenting

Apparently Rolling Stone Keith Richards has been airlifted to a New Zealand hospital after a fall from a palm tree at a Fiji resort:

No word on whether he gathered any moss*.

USATODAY.com – Hotel Hotsheet: Archives

* Get it? It’s supposed to be a joke.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. “What type of bra?” asked the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple …

• The Catholic type supports the masses,
• The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
• The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
• The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

via Funny Jokes: Funny Jokes – Types of Bras – Humor and Funny Jokes

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied: “a can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen them, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, “What is it?”

The husband said “She also stole a can of peas.”

via e-mail from the Official Mom

crossposted to Get That Job!

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business:

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the young accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the young accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars.”

“Eighty-five thousand dollars!” the young man exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

via the Funny Jokes – Funny Jokes and Humor page

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave:

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied… “My wife’s first husband.”

found on DailyJoke

A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

Q. What do you call a bass player on the front porch?

A. The pizza delivery guy

This is so funny because in high school I delivered pizza as a part-time job, and one of my coworkers – another delivery driver – also played the bass!

spotted on the Bob and Tom Bass Talk jokes page (careful… some of them are off-color)