Journey Inside My Mind ™

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her underwear and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second, not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my underwear…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, “We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her underwear…”

The other one responded, “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her behind that read, “We will never forget you.”found on Off The Track

This past weekend, I saw this on a markerboard at a local recreation center:

Don’t count down the days; make the days count.

This especially encouraged me because this time of year I tend to get depressed about the summer ending and whatnot.

This leads me to this wonderful story I found at the Jokes and Humor Weblog:

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a sign by his feet and a sign that read: “I am blind, please help”.

A creative publicist was walking by him and stopped to observe he only had a few coins in his hat. He dropped a few more coins in his hat and, without asking for his

permission, took the sign, turned it around, and wrote another announcement. He placed the sign by the blind man’s feet and left.

That afternoon the creative publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins. The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had re-written his sign. He wanted to know what he wrote on it?

The publicist responded: “Nothing that was not true. I just rewrote your sign differently”. He smiled and went on his way.

The blind man never knew but his new sign read:

TODAY IS SPRING AND I CANNOT SEE IT.

Seize the day! Make the days count! Change your strategy when things don’t go your way. Have faith that every change will be for the best.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ……… and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible ! ! ! !

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies………”

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ”How ya doing?”

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ”You want that?” the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ”He was a good man and I’ll never forget him,” the preacher said, ”I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.”

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ”Please, get up! You’re kneeling on my oxygen hose!’

Brad, a guy on the local beach, just couldn’t make it with any of the girls. He heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

“Dude, it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard, “you’re wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos – about two sizes too small – and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m tellin you man…you’ll have all the babes you want!”

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato, and for cryin’ out loud! – it’s worse than before!

Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, “What’s wrong now?”

“Jeez!” says the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!”

found on Jokes and Humor Weblog

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.

The boys were so good at getting into trouble that their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing-and they think WE did it.!”

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy admitted that this was the case.

“Well, then,” she replied, “tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain THAT to you.”

And that’s all I have to say about that. Thanks to Mom for forwarding Karen‘s email!

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

The second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born…Couldn’t walk for a year.”

Thanks to Mom for forwarding the original email from Karen

The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig and plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces:

He climbed down from the wreckage and looked around. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it, then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

“Astonishing!” the truck driver said to the crew chief. “What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?”

The crew chief said, “Oh, that was Tollgate Booth Paste.”

Thanks to Dale U. for the email!

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end:

He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, “Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses”.

“The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he’s dead”.

Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

[via email from Mom]

The Difference Between Men and Women, with Algebraic References

In Karen’s recent post to “My Life,” she mentioned her difficulty with a certain male acquaintance. She also mentions Algebra. I used to think that was a very bad word, actually, until I learned what it was. Below are my comments to her post:

Hi, Karen! It’s Dan, one of the above-mentioned “male friends”.

Men and women are so different in the ways that they think about things. I’ve heard that the path across both hemispheres of a woman’s brain is like a superhighway, but the same path in a man’s brain is like an old dirt path.

About the algebra… that reminds me of the joke about a teacher from the group al-Gebra who possessed weapons of math instruction. (rim shot)

I actually did well in Algebra, but I haven’t used it much since I’ve been out of school. Well, I’m mistaken… I have used it somewhat, but a lot of the advanced stuff I have not used.

Two Wishes

Joke Alert!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[via email from Mom]

Joke Alert!

[I purloined this one from a journal I had to keep in high-school English. The teacher did not think it was a good journal entry. Now I let you be the judge.]

This rich and very beautiful woman walks into her bedroom with the family butler. She shuts and locks the door and closes the window shades.

She walks over to the butler and says:”

“I want you to unzip my dress.”

He unzips it.

“Help me take it off.”

He does.

“Now, take off my bra.”

He takes off her bra.

“Take off my stockings.”

He does.

“Now, if I ever catch you in my clothes again, you’re fired.”

“Yoga, you seek Yoga!”

Strange News – AP >> Man Sentenced to Yoga Classes for Slap

HOUSTON – A man convicted of slapping his wife has been sentenced to yoga classes.

Judge Larry Standley said yoga should help James Lee Cross with his anger management. Cross was ordered to take the class as part of his yearlong probation

Amazon.com: Books: Doga: Yoga for Dogs

I first spotted this book last month while doing some holiday shopping. At first I thought it was a joke, but I think that the author is serious.

I think Mike should know about these things. He maintains a yogablog, by the way.

Yahoo! News – Prison Officer Wins Bin Laden Joke Case

I didn’t get it. Maybe you had to be there. Then again, there’s a lot about British humor that I don’t seem to get.

Bartending Joke

“The best thing for you to do,” explained the Doctor to his patient, “is to give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning and go to bed early every night.”

The patient paused and then asked, “What’s the second best thing to do?”

(waits for rim shot…) This Oldie but Goodie comes via Bartending Magazine — Fun and Jokes

Practical Joking

Last night, before we went to bed, Jennie and I decided to play a little practical joke on my mom and Keisha. Keisha had gotten a fake, plastic bug that resembles a cockroach. Jennie said we could put it on top of the coffee can inside the freezer, so that when Mom would reach for the coffee in the morning, she’d flip out.

This morning, she was surprised, but only for a little bit. She noticed how it was conveniently placed on top of the coffee can — too staged. She initially thought it was Keisha and my idea, but then I took the coffee can, with bug on top, out to the living room to show Keisha.

Keisha was the one who actually flipped out. I made the can jump so that the “bug” could jump off the can onto the living room couch where Keisha sat. Let’s just say that Keisha did not like it. That is an understatement. When I picked it up to show her it was fake, she got angry at me, saying that I’d killed it and it was frozen.

Jennie told her that it would thaw out. Keisha needs a little bit of time to thaw out, too. She’s having a hard time thinking the whole thing is funny, which actually makes me chuckle more inside.

If you’ve ever seen or heard Abbott and Costello doing their “Who’s On First?” routine, then you’ll appreciate this bit. Even if you haven’t, I think you will: Abbott and Costello at The Computer Store

The bit mentioned in the title comes from a blog entitled, “Jokes Jokes Jokes Joke and Humor Weblog.” I get the feeling that the owner really wanted the blog to be ranked high in web searches for “jokes.”

I discovered this blog from browsing Blogrolling.com’s list of Fresh Blogs.

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s face, then at the single flickering candle, and then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

“Will I be acquitted?”

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel’s into the ball park. The game is really exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel’s with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

It’s the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded……..

via email from Laura, of all people!