Mood: fantastic
Listening to: coworkers on the phone
Reading: Marriage Dynamics class materials
Eating: Snickers Crunch candy bar, two cups of coffee, and a Moo Tube
Watching: Matchstick Men

Now for the joke:

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.”

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”

There was a man who fished every day and always came back with a good catch. Eventually, the game warden decided this guy must be doing something illegal. So the warden put on old clothes and made friends with the man. “I’ve noticed you always catch fish,” the warden said. “Can I go out with you?” The fisherman shrugged. “Sure,” he replied. “See you here at 5 a.m. tomorrow.”

The next day, they went fishing together:

The fisherman steered his boat into a remote part of the lake, then stopped. He opened his tackle box, took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and threw it into the water. After it went off, dozens of stunned fish floated to the surface.

The warden was astounded. “I caught you red-handed,” he said. “I’m the game warden, and you’re under arrest.” The fisherman said nothing. He reached into his tackle box, took out another stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the warden. The fisherman then asked him, “You going to talk or fish?”

“I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said ‘Stop! Don’t do it!’

‘Why shouldn’t I?’ he said.

‘Well, there’s so much to live for!’

‘Like what?’

‘Well… are you religious?’ He said yes. I said, ‘Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?’

‘Christian.’

‘Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?

‘Protestant.’

‘Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’

‘Baptist’

‘Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?’

‘Baptist Church of God!’

‘Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?’

‘Reformed Baptist Church of God!’

‘Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?’

He said, ‘Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!’

I said, ‘Die, heretic scum’, and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

Proof that denominationalism is not a good thing (Online Eymology Dictionary Listing for ‘Denomination’).

– #53 on 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time

WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE…I’M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner:

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral:

A HUGE heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the Heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The Heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful Heart ‘forever’. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral………I’m a gynecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.

via e-mail from Mom

During the most intensive days of the cold war, the Central Intelligence Agency undertook a recruitment drive to booster its ranks and try to rectify the Soviet intelligence advantages:

During the initial interviews, two candidates appeared particularly promising. Wayne and Amber were a brother and sister team. Although their fervor and patriotism could not be denied and their aptitude for spying was peerless, their one flaw was their inability to get along with each other. Rarely did a moment go by when they weren’t arguing, bickering or insulting each other.

As unorthodox as this behavior may have been, they were admitted to the CIA’s training program and both excelled in all of their training. However, throughout their training they were constantly arguing and screaming at each other.

Their first assignment was to infiltrate a groop of Soviet agents who were using Washington’s nightclubs and restaurants as meeting places to plan their activities.

Wayne and Amber had to become familiar with the coming and going of these restaurant patrons.

One night they had to visit five restaurants in a row. In order to protect their covers, they had to fit in with the restaurant crowd; that meant drinking and dining as legitimate patrons at these elegant eating establishments.

As they went from restaurant to restaurant, they argued, bickered and screamed at each other, all the while eating full meals and drinking their fill.

Because this was their first assignment, they were observed by a couple of CIA veterans. The observers were amazed by their huge appetites but did witness their arguing.

One observer turned to the other and said, “They’re dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Wayne.”

via

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may vist the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 ? These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

via e-mail from Mom